So, Now I Know

Our house is a typical Sunset District house; living space on the upper floor, garage and weird spare room on the ground floor.

Freshly married and shortly after we moved into the house we live in now, I thought "I wonder if I can hear the doorbell when I'm in the garage." Then one day, about a month later I was in the garage switching the laundry around. I heard bounding down the stairs, the front door open, the gate buzz and my husband welcoming a few friends inside. They saw me in the garage and the first thing I said was "So, now I know." One of my friends asked me what did I know. My response was "now, I know I can't hear the doorbell when I'm in the garage."

When I got pregnant with my Pua Bean I wondered why God would would send me a baby at 42. Yes, I know how babies are made. I'm not an idiot, but I don't believe in chance. I was certain this baby was sent to me for a reason. I just had no idea what that reason was.

My little Pua Bean is the sweetest little girl. She's happy. She's sweet. She's funny. She loves to make animal noises. She loves to dance. She loves to read. She loves to cuddle. She'll carry a bucket of lego up to you and demand you to play together. She loves to eat. She wants to wear skirts and calls them hula tutus. She loves to color, mostly on herself, with sharpies, but still, she loves to color. She is super fun to talk to  and spend time with.

These last few months have been the suckiest suckfest of suck I could ever imagine. It's my little Pua Bean I can count on to  turn whatever kind of bad stuff that's happening into something that makes me happy and makes me thankful. Unlike the two other sweet babies of mine, she is blissfully ignorant of all the suckitude going on. She is our escape while still grounding us firmly in reality.

So, now I know. Now I know why God brought Beanie into our lives. He brought her to us to make every bad day good at the end of it.

So now I know.

Thankfully I still get to dance.

Hula was hard last night.




It was hard because I haven't danced in a while. I kind of checked out after the big hula show in October. I have to admit I was a little hula'd out. We were dancing tons leading up to Ho'ike Nui. Not only did I have to get to class, I had to make sure my daughter got to her own hula classes. Combined with work / other kids (for me) and school / homework (for her), making all our practices was certainly a challenge. We did it though. We did it without missing practices. We did it without missing class. We did it without missing work. We did it, but we were exhausted. We needed a break. That break cost us about 6 weeks of class.
It was hard to get into the swing of things, and I felt as though my brain had forgotten everything and my muscle memory was in the background pointing and laughing at me.


Also, Hula was hard last night because life in general is really hard right now. Life, as it seems, has looked upon me and said "You! It's your turn," and not in a fun way. My husband and I separated about 5 months ago. Let me tell you, as right as the decision is to end this marriage, it's a suck, sucky, suck-ass road to go down.


In hula, one's emotions are very close to the surface. One's emotions show up while dancing. If you're sad, angry, distracted, had a bad day at work, dropped your shave-ice in the sand, whatever; it all shows up while you're dancing. I am certain my lack of practice and my lack of focus was noticeable. I'll have to work on that.


Thankfully I have a rag-tag team of great support.


Thankfully I still get to dance.

Spending Time With Mr. and Mrs. Carter - A Dream

I had a dream about Jay Z a week or so ago but I didn't write about it. Last night I had another dream about both Jay Z and Beyonce. I guess the universe is telling me I have to write about them now.

Dream #1

I was at work about to enter the elevator. I got in. A lot of people from the 7th floor of the building were in the elevator as well. I pressed the button to my floor and immediately someone cancelled that floor and the elevator went straight to the 7th floor. That wasn't fair, I thought. Then the elevator went all the way down to the first floor and picked up more 7th floor-ers. Again I pressed the button for my floor. A woman from the 7th floor again cancelled my floor. I pressed the button again. She cancelled it again. I pressed it again, she cancelled it again. I looked at her and said "What gives, Lady?" She told me that Jay Z was going to perform in their office later today and they needed to make sure everyone who was supposed to be at the show was there and those who weren't supposed to be there weren't. She also didn't want Jay Z to have to stop at different floors before he got to the floor where he was performing. I told her that her logic was stupid. By not letting me off on my own floor, what's to stop me from getting off on the 7th floor, and why couldn't she stop on my floor right now? Jay Z wasn't even on the elevator. He wasn't scheduled to be there yet.

Dream #2

My oldest daughter and I were in the living room of the house I grew up in. Beyonce was sitting on the couch with her arm on the arm and her hand supporting her head. Jay Z was standing behind me leaning against the 3-sided fireplace. Beyonce said hello to my daughter and asked her if she had a boyfriend. My daughter told Beyonce it was none of her business. Then they started talking about Leelah Alcorn, the trans-teen who took her life last December. Beyonce said she didn't know anything about it. I told my daughter that Mrs. Carter probably doesn't read about current events. Then Jay Z and I were walking through New York City. (In my dreamlife, NYC is based on what I believe NYC looks like, and not what it actually looks like. I've been there once when I was 15. I have no idea what it looks like. However, in every dream I have that features NYC, the same green building shows up across from the same triangle shaped median, across the street from a fancy library.) I asked Jay Z if he ever walks around without a disguise. He said never. I asked him if he ever just dressed like a normal person in regular clothes that aren't expensive or custom made would he get recognized and he said yes. Then we were driving in a car through Big Bear, the car turned into a rickety old private plane and the landing strip was in an alley.