“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
--- Douglas Adams

Sunday, March 19, 2017

47 - A True Yet Pointless Story w/ a Little TMI




When I was a kid, getting tickets to a musical or play was a pretty popular present in my house. We would get two tickets and we would get to choose who went with us to the show. One year I got tickets to go see Cats. I took my dad. We were sitting outside the theater waiting until it was time to go in. My dad stood up and looked around. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking for someone he knew. I asked him if he was expecting to see anyone he knew and he said, humbly and matter-of-fact-ly, "no, but I know a lot of people."
One year my sister got tickets to see Evita staring Patty LuPone. Another sister got tickets to Sunset Blvd. One year all of us got tickets to the ballet Don Quixote. I think I was about 10. I remember being really excited to watch a ballet, but falling asleep quickly once the show started.
The VERY BEST show I went to was Peter Pan staring Sandy Duncan at The Pantages.  Oh my gosh you guys. Peter Pan flew right above me. right. above. me. So cool.
That show I took one of my sisters. She drove a light blue Camaro. On our way home she got off the freeway early because she wanted to drive by The Pike. She got lost and super turned around. I had to pee really really badly. When she finally righted herself and figured out her way home, she told me that the longer I held my pee, the longer peeing time I would have. Then she told me some tall tale about her friend Gretchen who once held her pee from Big Bear to Long Beach and peed for two whole minutes.  As soon as I got home, I ran to the bathroom and peed, and counted. I made it to 27.
So, tonight I went out. I considered peeing before I left my house, but stupidly decided against it. When I got to my destination I had to pee like a racehorse tinkle quite urgently. I went into the bathroom and ....... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ...... I got up to 47.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Dude, really? An Open Letter to Ike's Sandwiches

Dear Ike's

Really? $11 for this?


Today I got my first paycheck from my new job. I am very pleased about this and decided that although I always bring my own lunch to work, today I was going to celebrate and buy my lunch.

I was excited to see Ike's across the street from my office in Emeryville. I'd never eaten at an Ike's before. I was excited to give it a try. Today I tried Ike's for the first time. Unfortunately, today I probably tried Ike's for the last time.

Whenever I go to a sandwich place I've never been to before I order a salami sandwich; a simple one with salami, lettuce, tomato, mustard, mayonnaise and pepperoncini on sliced sourdough bread. It's an easy sandwich that's hard to fuck up.

Guess what Ike's, you fucked it up.

Take a look at the picture. This is supposed to be a Salami sandwich? It's not. It's a mustard and lettuce sandwich with salami as a condiment.

I know my salami sandwiches. I am a casual expert when it comes to salami sandwiches. I have eaten more salami sandwiches than any other sandwich I've ever eaten combined, and that includes all the PB&J I had as a kid. One could argue I am an armchair connoisseur of salami sandwiches, or really, any sandwich using the salumi family of meats.

First, let's talk about the bread. I ordered my sandwich on sliced sourdough. You made my sandwich on a sourdough roll. I don't like rolls for sandwiches because the top of the roll always cuts up the roof of my mouth. I don't like that feeling. If you don't have sliced sourdough on your menu, your cashier should have alerted me to that fact when I asked for it. She did not.

Second, the lettuce. Shredded lettuce is gross on sandwiches. I know, this is a personal preference. Not a deal-breaker if the rest of the sandwich is delicious, but not my favorite thing.

Third, kind of goes back to the shredded lettuce. Too much mustard serves as a swimming pool for the shredded lettuce. One should not be able to pour lettuce out of a sandwich.

Fourth, I should have read the menu better. I did not know your sandwiches come hot unless otherwise asked. I have a problem with hot lettuce and hot mustard and mayo. I know there are some freakshows out there who think that hot condiments (we're talking temperature, not spice) are appetizing. I am not one of them. The smell of hot mayo makes me want to hurl. Hot mayo smells like Nair.

Fifth, and the most important of the factors of why your sandwich was so disappointing, why don't you put salami on your salami sandwiches? A wafer-thin layer of salami spread across a piece of bread does not a salami sandwich make. For a sandwich this size, and for $11 I should have gotten salami piled at least 1/2 inch high. Even if the rest of the sandwich is sub-par, it can be saved by the quality and amount of meat it has. Your lack of meat did not provide that lifeboat it needed to save the integrity of my sandwich.

All that being said, I was hungry. I ate the sandwich. Also, I didn't want to waste food. I paid 11 freaking dollars for it. It was so super far from the best sandwich I've ever had, but at best it was "pretty OK." I won't eat at Ike's again, unless someone else is paying and they go get it and bring it to me.

Thank you,
Andrea

P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Lemuring Around - a dream

I don't believe dreams are prophetic. I don't think one receives knowledge in a dream that isn't already swimming around in one's brain. I do believe, however, that dreams can help to sort out one's thoughts, bring to light one's anxieties, fantasies, and fears. Of course one's dreams can also be just weird random occurrences of strange stuff and don't serve any purpose other than to entertain us, but that's not the kind of dream I had last night.

Last night I had a dream that I can't get out of my head. On the surface it's kinda funny, but the more I think about it, the more I can't shake it.

I was walking through my living room and there was a dead lemur on the floor. I kept trying to get around it but its tail kept getting in my way. I was finally able to kick it aside, only to find there was another lemur on my back that wouldn't go away. I saw my ex-husband and asked him to remove the lemur. Instead of pulling it off my back, he just tickled it and repositioned it. I tried to remove the lemur but couldn't. The lemur, with its cat-like jaws (yes, I know a lemur's jaws aren't cat-like, but this was a dream, remember?) grabbed onto my hand and wouldn't let go. I yelled "Ow, fucker" and punched it in the face. 

I woke up swinging. I actually woke from sleep swinging.

It goes without saying, there are a few obstacles in my life that just won't find their way to completion or success no matter how hard I try to make them happen; my divorce being final, a full-time permanent job with benefits, finding a safe and happy place to live for my kids and me.

Luckily the drive to keep swinging endures.







Welcome now my friends to the show that never ends

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Some of the pictures in my blog were taken by a photographer called Julie Michele. Some of the pictures were either taken by me or someone I know. Some of the pictures were ripped right from the internet, mostly from google image searches from photographers to whom I may or may not give credit.

Rest assured I make no money from any of it.