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Thursday, March 31, 2016

Fake Nutella is Gross: An Open Letter to Hershey



Dear Hershey,

Nutella is a big deal in my house. My kids love it. A spoonful in a bowl of oatmeal at breakfast, eaten "chips and salsa style" with apples in the afternoon. Heck, even a spoonful in the evening after the kiddies go to bed has curbed my chocolate/sugar craving on occasion. It would be my wish that we didn't have Nutella in the house so often so it will remain a treat and not a staple, but alas, it's always at the house.  

The ex did some grocery shopping. He brought home a treat for the kids. He brought home Hershey's Spreads, or in other words FAKE NUTELLA.

At first, I was excited to taste the Hershey version of the fake Nutella. I like Hershey chocolate. I know it's not the best chocolate in the whole world. It's not the best chocolate I've ever tasted, but taken by itself, it's good candy that contains chocolate. I like the way it melts. I like that weird sour taste. I don't like it because it's chocolate. I like it because it's Hershey.

Because of my fondness for the Hershey, I thought that the Fake Nutella would taste like a spreadable Hershey bar. That sounded yummy. I was so disappointed when I learned that Fake Nutella, not only did it not taste like a spreadable Hershey bar, it tasted like weird smokey chocolate diesel, but with that usually pleasant Hershey smell lingering like the smell of a mop at McDonalds.

I was not happy.

Hershey, what happened? Did the consistency of a melted Hershey Bar not please your focus group? Did you make your test subjects drink trout juice before they tasted the Fake Nutella so they would think the metallic diesel smell was just the finish of trout juice on the palate and not a byproduct of the weird emulsifiers you are using to make the Fake Nuttela the right consistency?

OK, that was a bit harsh, but really, Hershey. This was kind of a slam dunk and you made it gross.



From,
Andrea

P.S. I am not a crackpot

























Like a Pretty Girl Handing me a Reeses- An Open Letter to the Folks at Glaceau


Dear Coke, Glaceau and Smartwater NPD Folk,

I drink fizzy water daily. Everyday. 7 days a week. Most of my friends know my go-to beverage is fizzy water. I'll choose fizzy water over soda. Fizzy water is what I drink when I'm done drinking beer. Fizzy water is what I drink when I'm not drinking beer. Fizzy water is what I drink at a BBQ. Fizzy water is what I drink at home. I'm not saying all I drink is fizzy water, because I do drink tap water; and I drink wine and beer and coffee and tea. Not really big on spirits, and only occasionally get the hankering for some juice, but I when I do have juice, I usually cut it with what? you guessed it! Fizzy Water.

First, I should say I like my fizzy water at room temperature. I am not super fond of cold fizzy water. I won't turn it down if someone offers it to me. It's not like cold fizzy water is horrible. It's just that I don't like the cold bubbles as much as I like room temperature bubbles. 

Here's what I know to be true; a blanket statement for all fizzy water brands and flavors I've tried.
Lemon fizzy water tastes like Lemon Pledge.
Orange fizzy water is vile. 
Berry flavored or stone fruit flavored, tree fruit flavored, the lot of 'em are 10x worse than the little nub on the end of a banana, otherwise known as Satan's Anus. (note - Satan's Anus is more vile than the regular vile-ness of Orange)

The only flavors acceptable in fizzy water are plain and lime. I've had Fizzy grapefruit, and that was pretty yummy but I don't remember the brand.  I will also try flavors I haven't tried before.

When I was at Walgreen's the other day I made an important discovery. Fizzy Smartwater. I was so excited.

It was like that Reeses commercial where Robbie Benson and Donnie Most crashed into each other when they were both checking out the same girl. They collide and Donnie Most's chocolate got into Robbie Benson's peanut butter, and Robbie Benson's peanut butter got into Donnie Most's chocolate, and then the pretty girl giggles, gives them puppy eyes then hands them a Reeses.

With more enthusiasm than my kids wanted to see in Walgreens, I bought the Fizzy Smartwater and when I got home, hastily opened the bottle so I could take a big swig.

.......

I was disappointed.

The water was too salty. I bought it cold and immediately tasted the saltiness. Usually I don't detect the saltiness unless the water has been open more than a day. With Fizzy Smartwater, I detected the saltiness right away. I tried another swig when the bottle was room temperature. The water kinda tasted like baby aspirin.

The bubbles were too small and stabby. It was like a fermented stabby, not a carbonated stabby. For stabby I like big bubbles (trader joe's). For refreshing, I like small bubbles (Pelligrino). 

Such a bummer because I drink a lot of smartwater and I drink a lot of fizzy water. I thought, y'know, for efficiency's sake, that fizzy smartwater would be my cost efficient ticket to hydration.

Bummer.

So, Coke, Glaceau, Smartwater, and whatever big enterprise you run or runs you, you tried. You didn't really succeed, but you tried. Thank you anyways.

From,
Andrea

P.S. I am not a crackpot.

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