Like a Pretty Girl Handing me a Reeses- An Open Letter to the Folks at Glaceau

Dear Coke, Glaceau and Smartwater NPD Folk,

I drink fizzy water daily. Everyday. 7 days a week. Most of my friends know my go-to beverage is fizzy water. I'll choose fizzy water over soda. Fizzy water is what I drink when I'm done drinking beer. Fizzy water is what I drink when I'm not drinking beer. Fizzy water is what I drink at a BBQ. Fizzy water is what I drink at home. I'm not saying all I drink is fizzy water, because I do drink tap water; and I drink wine and beer and coffee and tea. Not really big on spirits, and only occasionally get the hankering for some juice, but I when I do have juice, I usually cut it with what? you guessed it! Fizzy Water.

First, I should say I like my fizzy water at room temperature. I am not super fond of cold fizzy water. I won't turn it down if someone offers it to me. It's not like cold fizzy water is horrible. It's just that I don't like the cold bubbles as much as I like room temperature bubbles. 

Here's what I know to be true; a blanket statement for all fizzy water brands and flavors I've tried.

Lemon fizzy water tastes like Lemon Pledge.

Orange fizzy water is vile. 

Berry flavored or stone fruit flavored, tree fruit flavored, the lot of 'em are 10x worse than the little nub on the end of a banana, otherwise known as Satan's Anus. (note - Satan's Anus is more vile than the regular vile-ness of Orange)

The only flavors acceptable in fizzy water are plain and lime. I've had Fizzy grapefruit, and that was pretty yummy but I don't remember the brand.  I will also try flavors I haven't tried before.

When I was at Walgreen's the other day I made an important discovery. Fizzy Smartwater. I was so excited.

It was like that Reeses commercial where Robbie Benson and Donnie Most crashed into each other when they were both checking out the same girl. They collide and Donnie Most's chocolate got into Robbie Benson's peanut butter, and Robbie Benson's peanut butter got into Donnie Most's chocolate, and then the pretty girl giggles, gives them puppy eyes then hands them a Reeses.

With more enthusiasm than my kids wanted to see in Walgreens, I bought the Fizzy Smartwater and when I got home, hastily opened the bottle so I could take a big swig.

.......

I was disappointed.

The water was too salty. I bought it cold and immediately tasted the saltiness. Usually I don't detect the saltiness unless the water has been open more than a day. With Fizzy Smartwater, I detected the saltiness right away. I tried another swig when the bottle was room temperature. The water kinda tasted like baby aspirin.

The bubbles were too small and stabby. It was like a fermented stabby, not a carbonated stabby. For stabby I like big bubbles (trader joe's). For refreshing, I like small bubbles (Pelligrino). 

Such a bummer because I drink a lot of smartwater and I drink a lot of fizzy water. I thought, y'know, for efficiency's sake, that fizzy smartwater would be my cost efficient ticket to hydration.

Bummer.

So, Coke, Glaceau, Smartwater, and whatever big enterprise you run or runs you, you tried. You didn't really succeed, but you tried. Thank you anyways.

From,
Andrea

P.S. I am not a crackpot.