“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
--- Douglas Adams

Saturday, March 19, 2011

An Open Letter to Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,
Overall I think you have a good product. A grande brewed coffee in the morning sets a nice tone for the day. I hate the language you've created. For the longest time I would refuse to ask for a grande coffee in favor of asking for what it should be called, which is just a medium coffee, but then I realized I was confusing the cashier and holding up the line so I decided that at 7am my need for coffee was greater than my pride and I should just give in and speak your stupid language. I'm will be eternally pissed at you for wrecking the macchiato which is simply a shot of espresso marked with a little bit of foam. If I had a free macchiato for every time one of your employees responded with "what size" every time I asked for a double macchiato, I'd be awake and shaking with caffeine jitters for months on end. All that being said, however, I know that pretty much whatever I order will be the same no matter what Starbucks I'm in.
OK so I'm puzzled about something. Most mornings I would rather have salt for breakfast instead of sugar. I skip your 390 calorie slice of lemon loaf in favor of your Fruit, Nut and Cheese Artisan Snack Plate. I like it. I can nibble on it throughout the morning. I get a nice little salty fix, with just a dash of sweet from the dried cranberries, and it fills me up. I'm not too keen on the apples in the plate, however. Often times the seed casing of the apple is left on the slice and I have to pick it off and then I get apples under my fingernails, and then, because I'm at work and don't have any nail clippers, I have to dig it out with a paperclip I've modified for such a purpose. I suppose you should feel flattered that I buy one of your products so frequently that I've created the need to fashion a tool to deal with the problems that sometimes arise with various foods I like to eat of yours.
Recently I started the PX90 exercise program. The dietary requirements of this program are really high in protein. I thought I should try the Protein Artisan Snack Plate instead. I was a bit troubled. The Protein Plate has a hard boiled egg in it. I don't eat a lot of hard boiled eggs and the thought of eating them from Starbucks weirds me out almost as much as buying perishable groceries from Target. I can't quite make myself buy eggs from Starbucks.
I decided to compare the labels of the Protein Plate with the Fruit, Nut and Cheese Plate. You know what I found out? The Protein Plate has 13 grams of protein while the Fruit, Nut and Cheese Plate has 19 grams of protein. I'm no math wizard but I can subtract. There's a 6 gram difference between the two in favor of the yummier plate. Now I'll take the high road and say that 13 grams of protein is a pretty good amount of protein but why dis the Fruit, Nut and Cheese Platter? It has more protein. Why not promote that?
Like I said, over all you got a good product. I don't like the stupid language you've taught the public, and if I have to start using it at Peet's when you buy it, I'm gonna be super pissed, but over all your coffee is pretty good, and the things of yours I don't like have to do with my own personal preferences, not because of the quality of the things you sell. My point is, you should take more care in not giving things stupid names.

P.S. I am not a crackpot.

1 comment:

  1. i'm so glad you wrote this... i thought i was the only one out there that was confused... so glad to know that i'm not alone.. :)


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